I know that sounds very dramatic and melancholic but trust me, these lonely nights are the most peaceful thing to me in the world. All I can hear is a distinct loud silence and a background music of my gushing thoughts. Walking through my house aimlessly makes me feel so good…doing something absolutely random and unnecessary, repeatedly scanning the kitchen for night snacks and ending up with a cup of coffee after every hour. Oh what pleasure it is..! That is exactly when I understand, what it means when people say “simplicity is the essence’’. laughing at my own silly jokes, planning an entire argument with someone in my head, fantasying my entire life with someone who has no idea about my existence, dancing to some extremely old school music and then suddenly auditioning for a singing competition and then few minutes later plotting on how to save all the important (people important to me) lives in a catastrophe. Everything is just so perfect at night. I know for most of you that is basically day dreaming and i do all of that even during the day but at night I am in my best format… displaying all my non-existent talents for real and not just in my head with a blank expression.
I sometimes wonder you know what if someone was seeing me through some window… god that person would judge me so much, though he/she would be thoroughly entertained but that idea scares he enough to keep all my curtains drawn. Having said all that, it not just about how much fun I have spending time doing all nonsense stuff and watching random life changing series, sometimes it just feels good to have no humans around. But the sad part is that nights aren’t just about all fun and game… sometimes the gloom takes over…all I can think about is the those people who didn’t chose me, those feeling which shout on the top of its voice that ‘you are useless piece of shit’ , times when homesickness engulfs me to a level that just thinking about it a part of me dies a little inside even right now, times which remind of the fact that may be I am not good enough, times when my anxiety rules me, times when all I do is just sit and weep and cry my heart out .. Because hey I can do that without being judged because it’s a lonely night. Initially I use to feel lonely and the melancholic version of lonely , where all I wanted was some HUMAN BEING around me who could hold me ,understand me and if not anything at least listen to all my non existential problems. But eventually I have crossed that and I am really proud of myself ,because now even when I break down I don’t wish for a human, all I wish for is a little more STRENGTH and PATIENCE. Because I have realised it just a phase and this too shall pass. Now, I am not saying it would get better… no it doesn’t ever get better( now ill I need whole new post to explain that) it’s just that you get stronger and realise your self-worth and realise that at the end of the day it’s just YOU and ONLY YOU who can save yourself.
This post is inspired by The brain Storm, it’s my version of his post Night